As a red-blooded, Boob-loving, American, it is my duty (hehe) and honor to be able to go to the gym a few times a week, slam some heavy (questionable) weights around, grunt like a randy orangutan, pound my favorite Brotein Shake, and chat up any female that just so happens to walk into my “Sexual Advance” zone which usually encompasses my entire field of vision. This is America right? You know the land of the free and the home of the brave? You don't see Vladimir Putin throwing potatoes at us and telling us where we can or cannot curl. The stringer tank top I proudly wear is Red, white and blue…and just like the nipples you see on my exposed chest, I am standing tall and proud as I am able to do all of the aforementioned things at any gym in the country…Right? Oh not right? Oh I am just an asshole? Got it.
See, it could be the fact that I do not find myself in a commercial gym setting much, or it could be the fact that I am on a lower carb day and I am REALLLLLY hangry, but truth be told…the majority of male patrons at your standard “globo gym” just piss me off. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not an elitist when it comes to working out or training. I am far from it. I love seeing everyone, from all walks of life, come into the gym to work on getting healthier and stronger. This is more shedding light on the members of the fitness community, that seem to lose sight of why you go to the gym in the first place. To work your damn ass off.
You see, like I said before, I do not frequent public gyms all the often. I am blessed to be friends with a fellow strongman competitor with the insane urge to build his own gym in his basement, and the plastic money necessary to make that dream a reality (much love Corey). So why write this? Well in short it is because on the off chance that I HAVE to go to a public gym, I am appalled by my fellow comrades in iron making complete asses out of themselves, and creating an awkward and potentially toxic environment for the rest of the gym patrons. I am sure there are woman who are guilty of being jerks in the gym, but I am focusing on the male population here right now, and frankly I haven’t seen a woman forcibly work her way into a guy’s workout, asking if he needs a spot…or a date. Does that shit even work? Do you get a lot of dates spotting girls at the gym? Hell do you ever get someone that actually wants to take the ear buds out of her ear and talk to you? No. Stop it.
It would be a real dick move of me to bitch and complain about someone without offering some form of assistance for I am a generous god… (Name that movie). So below are the tips to help you unDouche yourself (TM Sam Brown), train like a savage, and more than likely receive attention from the women at your gym. I mean positive attention…not the “I am going to look at this guy in the hopes a 45 pound plate falls on his head” type of attention.
WORK HARD. That’s right. In order to get the attention of women at the gym, or anywhere on the planet for that matter, you need to work hard. You see, I know for a fact you aren’t working hard when you work out now. How do I know that? Well if you were working hard, you wouldn’t have the energy, desire, or breathe in your lungs to walk over and harass a female gym goer. You see, if you go into the gym and bust your ass, I mean really work hard, and you will see awesome results. You will be looking better and getting stronger. The funny thing is about that is if you start working hard in the gym, you will eventually enjoy that level of dedication, and it will start to overflow into the rest of your life. You will work hard at your job, you will work hard at school, you will make more money, you will find better success, and you will become more attractive to women, without ever having to go out of your way to hit on them. You see, if you dedicate yourself to busting your ass as hard as you can, you will realize how little time you need to spend in the gym, and how much more productive you can be if you just do what you need to do, and get on with your day.
PUT A SHIRT ON IDIOT. Stringer tank tops aren’t shirts. They aren’t even fully finished clothing. Women do not want to see your nipples, no matter how swole you might be (most of the time you are swole-less). Hell even regular tank tops should require an application process to wear.
BE NICE. This one is the most important. You see, no matter what you hear about “nice guys” finishing last is bullshit. Nice guys don’t finish last, in fact, they are usually too busy impressing attractive women with their conversational skills while you are busy fist bumping your dawgz. How do you become a gentleman? Well it starts by realizing that you are not the only important person on the effing planet. The sun does not rise and set out of your preworkout soaked ass. Simply be conscientious and understanding of the fact that you are not the only person in the gym. There are other people in there, with real lives and stories. This fact alone puts you years ahead of the usual gym bro. This is how you should act all the time. We live in a world with billions of people and most of the time we are stuck in our own heads, worried so much about our own “to-do” lists that we forget that all the people we come in contact with on a daily basis, have feelings, emotions, and their own struggles. Be a nice person. Ask how somebody is doing and actually listen to what they say. Don’t just wait for them to stop talking so you can say your part. Make direct eye contact. Say thank you and hold the door open for people. Cut the tough guy bullshit act. Real Alpha males show compassion and empathy. Women take notice of a man who looks them in the eye, says thank you, and smiles. Try it you heathen.
So that’s all I got for now. I have a salad with chicken to eat now and I am going to enjoy the ever loving hell out of it.